The Ugly Machine

Paddy McBride, a scientist from Donegal claims to have invented the first human-mixing machine. It is a controversial claim that has yet to be tested by his peers.

'Well, it’s like a cement mixer. What happens is this…you put two human beings into the machine, mix them around, press this lever and the machine produces one human being out of them.’

Paddy has named the machine ‘Gránna’, the Irish word for ‘horrible’.

‘A key part of this is the people you choose. You can guess the outcome, based on the people you put into the machine.’

Paddy gave the following example. ‘If you put Enda Kenny and Brian Cowen into the machine, you would probably get something like Derek Davis at the other end. Tis ingenious alirght.’

When asked if it was morally wrong to end the lives of two people to create one, for the amusement of others, Paddy said: ‘That’s the only glitch alright. The politically correct crowd would go mad. But I’ll get around that somehow.’

Minutes from the Town Council Meeting on Friday

[could be any town council]


Mary: Welcomes everyone to the meeting

Pat: When are we talking about the Christmas lights?

Mary: Hold on now Pat, I’m chairing the meeting..through the chair please.

Pat: Sorry Chair. When are we talking about the Christmas lights?

Mary: Thanks Pat. I don’t know.

Tom: Well I bloody know Pat. Tis ridiculous. They should put up those lights quick to get people out spending.

Mick: That’s not what Christmas is about Tom.

Tom: Tis what my Christmas is about. How can we put food on the table if people don’t buy mate [sic meat] in my butcher’s?

Mary: We need to move on. We have an awful lot to cover. We need to talk about salt..to grit the roads.

Tom: Well someone made a balls of that lasht year.

Mick: Why?

Tom: Cos there was no salt! A pure balls of it the Town Council Transport Committee made of it.

Mary: Don’t talk about Pete like that, he’s not here to defend himself.

Tom: We need to buy loads of salt this year, in case we get frosht again.

All: Agreed!

Mick: But we’ve no money.

All: true

Mary: We must move on. Next item – The Christmas Choir. We need more male voices.

Tom: Count me out anyway. Too busy.

Mary: Mick?

Mick: No Mary sorry. I’m not a Catholic.

Mary: Sure you go to Mass every Sunday?

Mick: Ara that’s just an outing.

Mary: Anyone else?

All: [silence]

Mary: Ok. The priesht will have to sing it himself….. Right, what have we agreed at this evening’s meeting?

All: [Silence]

Tom: Anyone for a quick pint?

All: Yahhhh!

End of meeting. Next meeting at parish hall next Tuesday at 8.0pm
Agenda: Double-parking in the town; Christmas lights; Salt for Roads; Christmas Choir.
Pints afterwards in Donoghue’s.

International Conference Call

Enda Kenny, with Min Michael Noonan take a conference call with Président de France and German Chancellor Angela Merkel....



Enda Kenny: Bonjour…bonjour…can you hear me Nick?


Sarkozy: Oui. Allez leprechaun…



Enda: Wait’ll I put more money in the phonebox. Bit tight here. Noonan, put the 20c in the slot. {‘Another one? Feck sake you’re going to bankrupt us’]



Merkel: ‘This vas supposed to start at 12.01. It is now 12.01:30.



Enda: Hold on you man-woman. These things never start on time. Anyway, what are we doing about this euro crisis?



Merkel: Vee must keep it going. Vee must keep de euro alive.



Sarkozy: C’est important pour la France d’avoir confiance, pas seulement ici…



Enda: Noonan he’s off. Get the dictionary. I think he said confiance. Look that one up. {Spell it..what word is that…with a k?...}
Come on baldy? I told you we shouldn’t have sacked the translator.




Merkel: Kenny snell! Sarkozy asked you a question.



Enda: emm…aah….well, I was consulting with my bald Minister for Finance. What was the question?




Sarkozy: Cochon! Que pensez vous de la probleme en Grece?



Enda: Tis a big one. There’s no denying that. I promise to discuss it at the Claremorris Town Council meeting this evening. We would be happy to send our economic experts to help Greece.



Merkel: Nein! Nein nein nein you embecile. Keep your monkeys away from de problem.



Sarkozy: Canard!



Enda: Gracias Nick. {Noonan: ‘I’m running out of coins Enda. You should wrap it up now. Quick. I’ve no 20c left’}



Nick, Angela, I’ll have to leave now. Important meeting. Text me.




Sarkozy / Merkel: nein cochon nein cochon nein cochon

No Dignity, But Shoes

The Government has announced its intention to order 8 million shoes from the supermarket chain, Carrefour.

‘Oh yeah they’re good. Black, shiny plastic-type shoes’ said the Minister for Protection, when describing the footwear.

It’s understood the idea came from a purchase of E14 black ‘plastic’ shoes by an Irish citizen visiting Dubai earlier this year. The gentleman – who cannot be named for legal reasons – is said to have purchased the shoes while foaming at the mouth in anticipation of the bargain.

At least we have shoes

A government press release stated: ‘Well, we don’t have much money, but we’re going to put shoes on everybody’s feet. However, they will all be black and a size 9. This is a bit of an administration error, but look…children will grow into them, women wear trousers now, so men’s shoes won’t make a difference to them. And men with big feet shouldn’t be showing off anyway. So it’s perfect.’

Rumours that it took six weeks of pain, blisters and cuts to soften the shoes up were met with this response from the Minister: ‘Look, if it’s comfort you want, go to England. We’re in no position to be providing comfort. People should be glad to get the shoes.’

Other news: New AIB chief to receive E1m salary. Read more…

National Sober Day

The Government has proposed a National Day of Sobriety in the country to promote healthy living, a positive image and the inclusion of those in society who do not drink. Here are a few of the letters to our desk about the proposal.


Dear Oak Court Times Editor,

I'm writing to you in absolute horror at the new proposal from the Government. One day of sobriety is simply too long.

I think an hour or maybe two would be grand and would send a clear message to the world that we can stay off the drink for a while. But 24 hours...all in a row? This is madness.

Regards
Pat, Longford


Dear Editor,
I've heard it all now. Talk about a nanny state. This recession is too bad to ask people not to drink for a day. In fact, if it wasn't for those bloody bankers, we wouldn't be drinking at all. But seeing as they brought this upon us, we may as well. I propose a National Day of Drinking. It'll help us all cope a bit better.
Regards
Tim, Tinahealy


A chara,
If the transitional government of the 26 counties forces this 'national' day of sobriety on our people, I can assure you it will be met with fierce drinking by your brothers and sisters in the North.
Le meas
P


Praise allah
I am recommend to the Irish people the not drinking. You must drink minty tea with pooh pooh in it and smoke a gas from a big hose.
Mohammed Owairan, Saudi Arabia


Dear Editor
National Sobriety Day? This is a very dangerous idea.

If Irish people become sober enough - and it may happen over the course of a full day - to realise the state of the country, then we would be shocked to death.

I would predict the onslaught of heart atttacks throughout the country. On health grounds, for God's sake, no national day of sobriety.
Your etc
Dr James Hamilton, Leitrim

Dear Sir,
I note the proposal to hold a National Day of Sobriety. We welcome the general well-meaning principle behind the proposal.

However, we would recommend a different approach. We would urge people to attempt to remain sober while drinking. This is sure to add a happy dimension to the day without losing the original intention.

We also propose the day, in this case, should be increased by a week.
Regards,
Tom Joyce, Diageo (Promotions Section)

President Dog

The Government has announced it is to abandon the Presidential election.

The decision was made at Shelbourne Park Race Course last night. A Government spokesperson said: 'Gay hasn't a hope of winning and anyway, we came up with a better idea to help the country.'

It's understood the Government are to ask a 'red greyhound' to become president. 'Like de one ye see on the Bus Éireann buses', the spokesperson said.

Mr President - steely determination

'Tink of all the pluses - he's been round the country a good few times already, over many years. He won't say anything that'll get us into trouble.'

Eyebrows were raised at the proposal, but the Irish Government said the greyhound was willing to do the job for a few bags of pedigree chum each month.

'That was the clincher. We're in difficult times and we have to look at all options.'

It was not thought necessary to replace the cabinet with baboons.

Dublin Prolong Recession

The Dublin Football team have won the All-Ireland Final, prolonging the recession.

IBEC have predicted the economy will make a net loss of 1.5bn next week. 'Nobody will turn up for work for a week' said Chief Economist with IBEC, Giuseppi Wronga Figuris.

Productivity is to drop for the next few months, or until the singing of Blues Hymn 'Hill 16 la la la' stops in 'The Sunrise Inn', in the north-inner city...whichever comes first.

Celebrations reigned across the city on Sunday.

Gardai were called to locations where bonfires were lit, minutes after the final whistle went. 'This may be an Arab-Spring revolt in Dublin', said Al-Jazeera Ireland correspondent, Mustafa Krap.

'We love our gaa in Dublin' said one reveller, between sips of Dutch Gold (from the can).

Meanwhile in business news, alcoholic drinks company Diageo have predicted a significant increase in profits for the present quarter.

Celebrations on the Streets of Dublin