President Dog

The Government has announced it is to abandon the Presidential election.

The decision was made at Shelbourne Park Race Course last night. A Government spokesperson said: 'Gay hasn't a hope of winning and anyway, we came up with a better idea to help the country.'

It's understood the Government are to ask a 'red greyhound' to become president. 'Like de one ye see on the Bus Éireann buses', the spokesperson said.

Mr President - steely determination

'Tink of all the pluses - he's been round the country a good few times already, over many years. He won't say anything that'll get us into trouble.'

Eyebrows were raised at the proposal, but the Irish Government said the greyhound was willing to do the job for a few bags of pedigree chum each month.

'That was the clincher. We're in difficult times and we have to look at all options.'

It was not thought necessary to replace the cabinet with baboons.