The Ugly Machine

Paddy McBride, a scientist from Donegal claims to have invented the first human-mixing machine. It is a controversial claim that has yet to be tested by his peers.

'Well, it’s like a cement mixer. What happens is this…you put two human beings into the machine, mix them around, press this lever and the machine produces one human being out of them.’

Paddy has named the machine ‘Gránna’, the Irish word for ‘horrible’.

‘A key part of this is the people you choose. You can guess the outcome, based on the people you put into the machine.’

Paddy gave the following example. ‘If you put Enda Kenny and Brian Cowen into the machine, you would probably get something like Derek Davis at the other end. Tis ingenious alirght.’

When asked if it was morally wrong to end the lives of two people to create one, for the amusement of others, Paddy said: ‘That’s the only glitch alright. The politically correct crowd would go mad. But I’ll get around that somehow.’

Minutes from the Town Council Meeting on Friday

[could be any town council]


Mary: Welcomes everyone to the meeting

Pat: When are we talking about the Christmas lights?

Mary: Hold on now Pat, I’m chairing the meeting..through the chair please.

Pat: Sorry Chair. When are we talking about the Christmas lights?

Mary: Thanks Pat. I don’t know.

Tom: Well I bloody know Pat. Tis ridiculous. They should put up those lights quick to get people out spending.

Mick: That’s not what Christmas is about Tom.

Tom: Tis what my Christmas is about. How can we put food on the table if people don’t buy mate [sic meat] in my butcher’s?

Mary: We need to move on. We have an awful lot to cover. We need to talk about salt..to grit the roads.

Tom: Well someone made a balls of that lasht year.

Mick: Why?

Tom: Cos there was no salt! A pure balls of it the Town Council Transport Committee made of it.

Mary: Don’t talk about Pete like that, he’s not here to defend himself.

Tom: We need to buy loads of salt this year, in case we get frosht again.

All: Agreed!

Mick: But we’ve no money.

All: true

Mary: We must move on. Next item – The Christmas Choir. We need more male voices.

Tom: Count me out anyway. Too busy.

Mary: Mick?

Mick: No Mary sorry. I’m not a Catholic.

Mary: Sure you go to Mass every Sunday?

Mick: Ara that’s just an outing.

Mary: Anyone else?

All: [silence]

Mary: Ok. The priesht will have to sing it himself….. Right, what have we agreed at this evening’s meeting?

All: [Silence]

Tom: Anyone for a quick pint?

All: Yahhhh!

End of meeting. Next meeting at parish hall next Tuesday at 8.0pm
Agenda: Double-parking in the town; Christmas lights; Salt for Roads; Christmas Choir.
Pints afterwards in Donoghue’s.