Dublin Prolong Recession

The Dublin Football team have won the All-Ireland Final, prolonging the recession.

IBEC have predicted the economy will make a net loss of 1.5bn next week. 'Nobody will turn up for work for a week' said Chief Economist with IBEC, Giuseppi Wronga Figuris.

Productivity is to drop for the next few months, or until the singing of Blues Hymn 'Hill 16 la la la' stops in 'The Sunrise Inn', in the north-inner city...whichever comes first.

Celebrations reigned across the city on Sunday.

Gardai were called to locations where bonfires were lit, minutes after the final whistle went. 'This may be an Arab-Spring revolt in Dublin', said Al-Jazeera Ireland correspondent, Mustafa Krap.

'We love our gaa in Dublin' said one reveller, between sips of Dutch Gold (from the can).

Meanwhile in business news, alcoholic drinks company Diageo have predicted a significant increase in profits for the present quarter.

Celebrations on the Streets of Dublin

CLO

The Conamara Liberation Organisation will make its appeal to the United Nations in coming weeks for recognition as an independent state.

'Ta muid ag iarraidh feckin state muid fein' said CLO spokesperson, Cormac Araghfata.

He told waiting media his meeting with Irish Foreign Affairs Minister was 'a bit of a joke.' When asked why, he told Sky News he was shown disrespect.

CLO Army Camp (From Left: Michael Tom Willy, Willy Tom Phat, Tommy Phat Willy, Earnest Jones)

'Rotten tea, an old box of USA biscuits and no dinner. Sure you wouldn't treat a British diplomat like that' he told the reporter, referring to his meeting with Minister Eamonn Gilmore.

Mr Araghfata led the CLO delegation to Iveagh House. Alongside him were Padraic Mhichael Bhoba Mhary (Mac Donnchadha) and Peterin Phat Phaddy (Mhichael Phaddy).

Mr Araghfata said if Conamara was not granted independence, they would be willing to 'pull in our army.'

Our photographer was brought to a secret location in Conamara to photo the army in training.

The UN nor the CIA have any record of the CLO.

Traffic Chaos in Burr

The beautiful town of Birr (pronounced 'Burr') has been thrown into traffic chaos recently. The Oakcourt Times has learned of this recent development from angry residents of the town.

'Look mush, dah is pure traffic chaos der. Nohin buh cars der all over like. Bruhal like mush' said one exasperated eye-witness, surveying traffic in the town.

It seems significant traffic developed after the council erected parking meters in the town. People now drive around looking for a 'parking free' spot. This has caused massive tailbacks, as seen in the photo (staff photographer).

'Tings have goh so bad now some people are drivin over roundabouts near de Gaelic Bar der, so dey are.'

A silver car has been seen causing this offence, but the culprit has not yet been identified. Martin is investigating the matter.

Indecision in Lucan

No lights on in Courtney's

Life has been thrown into chaos in the village of Lucan, West Dublin. The town's chief raconteur, Charismatic Milo is the root of the problem.

'I just don't know who to bet on for the Rugby World Cup' said Milo, in an interview with The Oakcourt Times.

'Dem lads there in de bookies tink New Zealand, buh I don't know' he said, before pausing to think for a few minutes.

Locals believe it has thrown Milo off his game and are hoping the indecision will clear up soon.

'Where's dem two gone again dat were here few weeks ago...China or sometin?' he said pensively. Investigative work led us to the answer: Dubai. A loss of custom (significant custom) has only fuelled the fire of indecision.